I Need to Mature as a Man of God!

Well, I guess in reality everyone does, but I only know myself and maybe writing some of these things down for all the world to see might give me a kick start. I know some people reading this will be able to add many more points to my checklist but I have to start somewhere and maybe others will get taken care of along the way. Here we go, my list of faults, addiction and obsessions keeping me from being 100% intimate with God and family (not in any order what-so-ever):

1. Work - in my case it's not spending too much time at work, it's constantly complaining about my job, not caring about my job and making the whole house miserable about my job. It's one big punch in the gut to my Father who has blessed me with an incredible career.

2. Sports - not a huge one for me but now I have to keep checking my fantasy stats on Sundays. (not to mention biting my tongue when my loving wife roots for the Seminoles)

3. Church (yes, church)- being one hundred percent involved in a church for the first time has really shown me that worrying about the day-to-day operations can seriously get in the way of spending time with Him (ironic isn't it). Throw in the added stress when my wife (who also works at the church) and I fall on opposite sides of an issue, yikes.

4. TV - Hours upon hours of trash filling my cranium, besides the fact that it keeps me up and makes me even more miserable. How much TV do I need? There's got to be something better! Plus, how intimate can I be with my bride if I stay up to the point of exhaustion every night?

5. The Internet - and all the crap that comes with it, checking stats constantly on my blog to see how I rate and getting some weird vailidation from seeing who's left a message or comment on MySpace. (Get a Life!)

8. Reading - another sleep, time and intimacy robber = more miserable again. It's not a horrible thing but I can get a little caught up in books and ignore everything else, even my wife, as she goes to sleep "by herself" again even though I'm laying right next to her.

9. Pornography -from the web and "friends" emails, plus many things non-sexually related, beyond that which normally comes to mind when we think of "porn". Anything that gives us some perverse satisfaction, it can be scrolling through page after page on ebay lusting after that bass guitar I need to have or even watching hour after hour of the Food Network feeding our idolation of food and feeding our sin of gluttony. Whatever puts up a barrier between myself and my God, my Wife and my Family needs to be eradicated from my life. Without consciously meaning to do it, every time my mind gets attracted by something other than my wife, her feelings self worth, self esteem and perceived attractiveness to me plummets. How can I or any other husband do this to our spouse?

10. Anger - I blame it on my malfuctioning brain, but the healing is there if I ask for it. I have a seriously low boiling point and a hair trigger temper. Most people reading this haven't seen this side of me. The bad thing is, if I sit back and see what get's me going off, it's usually habits and characteristics that I have passed on to my children. Now, they've seen my wonderful example on how to deal with any situation and are perfect little imitators. I pray it's not too late to turn them around because if I pass on the tornado that is constantly spinning in my brain to them, I'll hate myself.

11. Addictions of the past - loitering on the edge of my consciousness, waiting to jump out at me. (you name it, it's probably been there)

12. New Addictions - we'll call this the Idolatry of Food. I love food and when I put this love above the health of the body He gave me it's definitely idolatry. Besides that, what good would it be to correct everything on this list if I were to die tomorrow? I will be perfected by Him when I die and shed this screwed up body and mind, but if I wanna be around for a while I need to shape up, my brain along with my abs (I think I have abs somewhere)

13. The Bible - What? Well it is when you use it for evil.....mwuahahahahaha. Not really evil, but definitely to the detriment of my family. You know from reading this blog that I have been pretty faithful in my daily Journal entries, but is it for the right reasons? Am I striving for a better relationship with Him or is it some perverse appeal for human praise? My wife will tell you I write good words but have problems with the whole practice what you preach thing. Daddy come play, nope reading my bible, honey come to bed, nope reading my bible. Hey, it's God's word, I'm doing my journal, how is that wrong? I spend hours reading and studying the bible but am I listening to Him? I don't think so, but why? Probably has a lot to do with all the things listed above.

(From me to you, I'm sorry, I love you)

Lord, here are my chains and the various locks keeping them in place. You have the keys, set me free from the bondage of this world, I've done nothing good while enslaved by these addictions that rob You and my family of my devotion.