One Honest Man

Read this post from Christian Gowan at Desert Thirst and get a new perspective on your own pastor:

Hello fellow readers, greetings from the land of DESERT THIRST! In the awareness and foreknowledge of impending turbulence, I must inform you to buckle your brain seatbelts. Shortly we will be commencing randomness galore and a shoot off of complete utter confusion even the driver of this journal does not understand will be indefinitely established.

Welcome to the wrapped up looming thoughts of a crazed lunatic who feels like a moth caught within a light fixture, rapidly moving about with its wings little by little burning away to the intense heat. This moth would like to excuse himself while he brushes aside the substance of DESERT THIRST as it has become a hidden hindrance in the ‘light’ of smouldering circumstance. I wish I could say I’m on fire for God right now…but it’s more like I’m pleading with Him to put this fire out. No, never mind. I take that back: there is no plea it’s more towards the reality of an ignorant man who knows no need for supplication. You want honesty in the midst of community so continue to listen to the human hearts appeal of injustice: I feel engulfed in my own conformity, penetrated by selfishness and chained by oppression, succumbed to my own private world of disorganized chaos, living a life of deception and deceit, despair and desolation. This church worker is enveloped in a world of computerized madness, mingling in technology more than people, every morning persistent in office work as he checks email, facebook, and multiple blogspots. He researches his sermons online and looks at the lectionary via google, does his scheduling within a cell phone and relaxes under the glare of amazing realistic computer graphics. His day can be composed of a series of numbers: 10010100 101 001001 011001. This is my light fixture, my burning sensation, the trapped slot of impeding doom while franticly trying to escape its sickening glow. Does this look like a man on fire for God? Apparently it does.

Why? Because I stand up at the pulpit and preach a life of freedom, get introduced as a young man who has a “charismatic passion”, and live a life “transparent to the eye and open to anyone and everyone.” I lead bible studies and confirmation classes, do a junior church program, and plant Saturday evening churches, present amazing PowerPoint presentations to multiple groups young and old. I’m bold, courageous, and challenging within these church walls. The whispers can be heard all around “He is an ‘evangelist’ who isn’t afraid to go out and get his hands dirty. He’s got a fire within him.”

I sure do have a fire within me wouldn’t you like to know. But it’s the wrong kind of fire: a fire that’s burning away at these skeleton wings of mine. I can’t even stand up, my legs are weak and my body is worn. The sincere heading of a blank bewildered face sits behind a mouthful of lies, a moth desperately crying for help: “God- I haven’t spoken to you in days! I want to fly to the depths of Your unconditional love but my heart is singed.” My eyes are glazed in the sucking powers of technology. I read my bible on a screen that’s 1024 x 768.

I feel like a caged animal fervent for the Gospel and passionate for the lost yet chained to a curate’s office chair. Does this bother me? Of course not, because the pastor believes I’m doing a good job, the congregation believes I’m doing a good job, and my national director is hearing and believing I’m doing a good job. I’m happy and content to be in the satisfaction of those who watch my every move. Do I really feel like a parish evangelist? Not really, more like a pastor assistant, yet everyone is informing me of the great job I’m doing as ‘parish evangelist’ of St. Andrews. Indicative to the time I spend within the church and church people I sit back in my own compromising life of complacency and satisfactory effort to just do what is expected.

The question remains: do I do what is expected…or do I follow my calling? Curate Christian or Evangelist Christian. Do I pride myself on the happiness of my boss and satisfaction of St. Andrews or walk in my own apparently surreal expectations: ‘the lord added to His numbers daily!’? What is my true calling here at this church and am I willing to go beyond people’s expectations, seeping into the realm of unexpected results and kingdom initiatives. What would happen if I took ALL technology out of my life: surely everything around me would crumble.

All you would see is a broken and confused man lost in a world full of questions.

…I know the equation. I even know the answer. But I’m not sure if I’m ready to flesh the two out and put the solution in my shoes. …excuse me while I check my email account, I haven’t checked it all day.